“Owning our story can be hard but not nearly as difficult as spending our lives running from it. Embracing our vulnerabilities is risky but not nearly as dangerous as giving up on love and belonging and joy-the experiences that make us the most vulnerable. Only when we are brave enough to explore the darkness will we discover the infinite power of our light”
-Brene Brown
Many of us think of vulnerability as a weakness and a liability rather than strength and a resource. I understand this to be a function of shaming messages and experiences that have led us to believe it is dangerous to show up in our authenticity and realness. As a result, a considerable number of us believe it is “safer” to hide our true selves so as to avoid disapproval and rejection.
A particularly poignant memory I have that illustrates this is when I was 6/7 years of age. I was in a music lesson at school and the music teacher asked for a volunteer to dance to the music she was playing. As I had attended a few cursory ballet lessons and I enjoyed moving my body (and because no-one else volunteered) I took center stage and began to dance in a free and perhaps less coordinated way. To my dismay, this was accompanied by snickers and laughing by my peers and I remember wishing that the floor would swallow me up. The music teacher was encouraging of my show of aliveness and energy but I internalised the message from my peers that showing up in my full aliveness and joy was somehow a joke and shameful. As a result, this part of me went into hiding and was associated with anxiety and emotional danger.
As young children, there is vitality and aliveness oozing from every pore, curious inquisitiveness and playfulness emanating from every expression, and authenticity and realness beaming forth with every question and statement. The child is as real as he or she is open and vulnerable. 
Yet when we experience negative responses we start to believe we “are too much”, or “not good enough” and we begin to hide this vitality and view it as unacceptable and dangerous to reveal. It is these characteristics that then become part of what we call “the lost self”. This has real implications for the way we show up in many areas of our lives, especially in our voices in relationships and even careers. Fast forward our lives to when we are dating we find ourselves being attracted to a partner who embodies this lost full aliveness; and in the beginning, this may be the very quality we are attracted to! However, once the relationship moves to one of commitment, we will then be annoyed by this fully alive (but forbidden quality we have disowned, or denied in ourselves) and want to kill it as it was killed in us!!! Welcome the power struggle…
Jung said that shame is the swampland of the soul. Shame is the fear of being unlovable, the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed.
Shame needs 3 things to grow- secrecy, silence, and judgment. Shame is a silent epidemic and metastasizes like cancer when it is buried. Shame is often felt in our bodies-that warm flushed feeling that washes over us-making us feel small, flawed, and never good enough. Shame is also a social construct-it happens between people-it is how I feel when I see myself through someone else’s eyes
In shame, we lose sight of the big picture and we feel alone, exposed, and deeply flawed. When we experience shame, it unravels our connection to another-and we experience the fear of disconnection- we fear judgment and of being perceived as flawed and unworthy of acceptance and belonging. When we feel desperate for worthiness we are more likely to engage in self-destructive behaviors and to attack/withdraw, shaming both ourselves and others.
WHAT IS THE ANTIDOTE TO SHAME?
Ironically vulnerability is the antidote to shame. In order to embrace vulnerability the capacity for courage, compassion, connection, authenticity, gratitude, and empathy is required.
The root of the word courage is cor-the Latin word for heart, therefore courage is to speak one’s mind by telling all one’s heart.
The word compassion is derived from the Latin words “pati” and “cum”-to “suffer with”. Compassion is about recognising our shared humanity, without judgment
Owning our story and learning to love ourselves through the process of courage and compassion, embracing our tenderness and vulnerability is the bravest thing we can do. There is a sense of liberation in telling your story. By telling your story you give others permission to tell theirs-and to convey the most important message that “you are not alone”. Be brave with your life so that others can be brave with theirs.
One of my favorite Brene Brown quotes is, “I am imperfect and vulnerable and sometimes afraid but that doesn’t change the truth that I am also brave and worthy of love and belonging”. One of my strongest intentions is to engage in my life from a place of worthiness, to believe that no matter what gets done and how much is left undone, I am enough.
Connection is the energy that exists between people when they feel seen, heard, and valued; we are wired for connection; we all have a longing for connection-we were born to be in relationship!
Daniel Goleman neuroscientist notes, “our relationships shape our biology as well as our experiences”. Vulnerability makes deep connection possible; vulnerability begets vulnerability. Staying real and authentic is a courageous battle; staying vulnerable is a risk we need to take if we want to experience connection. We can only belong when we offer our most authentic selves and when we’re embraced for who we are-incongruent living is exhausting and dangerous. It becomes dangerous when the gap widens between who we present to the world and the inner reality we carry inside. Authenticity is the daily practice of letting go of who we think we should be, and embracing who we are…
Elizabeth Kubler-Ross says “people are like stained glass windows. They sparkle and shine when the sun is out, but when the darkness sets in, their beauty is only revealed if there is a light within”
My ongoing personal journey is about embracing my vulnerabilities, brokenness, tears, and imperfection. It is about refusing to let one experience define who I am. I am learning to practice self-compassion and empathy, learning to have the courage to show all of myself-the good, the bad, the ugly- and be real, and most importantly to cultivate an attitude of gratitude for all the blessings in my life.
“Imperfection is beauty, madness is genius and it’s better to be absolutely ridiculous than absolutely boring.”
— Marilyn Monroe (Marilyn: Her Life in Her Own Words)
(Image credit: The above image is owned by Online for Love)
Recent Comments