Finding Lost Parts
August Already! With this month, arrived the August winds. Perhaps they are winds of change? For me personally these winds symbolise blowing things up in the air! Things that I’d rather stay hidden, lost, denied or disowned?
With these gusty winds, I take permission to share something of my personal journey. I am not ashamed to share that I will be turning 49 next month and can boast having two hip replacements already. The most recent was in July. I literally lost some of my parts… two parts to be precise.
This became an ironic predicament. If I listened to my body, I would have heard long ago, to S -L -O -W down, take care of myself, breathe, chill, take time to smell the roses, call it whatever you want. Not even the forced Lockdown slowed me down. Instead, it created space and opportunity to keep going and keep ignoring what my body was screaming for: Empathy, kindness, compassion and nurturing!
The plan for this month was to launch the “Imago Career Path”, outlining all the possibilities to climb the Imago Ladder professionally. Instead, I found myself completely frozen. I experienced my body coming to a halt and with it seemingly my mind and motivation. I needed to face the music and reclaim a lost part. And so, with the support of my new hips, I am stronger and more whole, embracing permission to nurture deeply. So finally slowing down, I gave myself permission to pause, take care of myself and therefore postponing publishing the planned newsletter titled “The Imago Career Path.” Now you will all have to patiently wait for next month!
Talking about lost parts, it is only fitting to summarise what we learned in Imago training as the Journey of Socialization. This is the journey whereby our parents and other agents of socialisation (school, religious institutions and society) shape us to be “acceptable” socially. This results in blocked energetic expression of our functions of the self (Thinking, Feeling, Acting, Sensing and Being) which leaves us with the experience of not being fully alive. We therefore lose connection with our original wholeness; when we have to choose between wholeness and love/approval, we will choose the latter time and time again.
In case you need a refresher, here is more on Imago Theory 101. Unlike me, you don’t need to lose a hip to remember!
The Denied Self are the negative traits we saw in our parents/caregivers and didn’t like, or that we were shamed for having, that we swore we would never be (but have yet internalised through modelling) . In order to cope with the internal conflict of carrying these undesirable traits, we then project them onto our partners and hate it in them. To identify your denied traits, think of what you hate most in people closest to you.
The Disowned Self comprises those positive traits that are not safe for us to own for fear of being shamed, and so we project them onto those around us. We disown the existence of these traits in ourselves, but people close to us can see them. This decision in childhood is brilliant because it protects us from feelings that we experience as life threatening ie. loss of love and approval. The amount of energy it takes to hide these traits is enormous. This energy drain keeps us from feeling alive. In addition, it damages our self-image when we cannot claim our magnificence.
The Lost Self consists of the parts that disappeared through social messages. We are born with the ability to think, feel, experience and act. These functions allow complete access to our core energy. As our care givers socialise us with messages such as, “Don’t feel that” or “Sit still” etc, we begin to lose parts of ourselves and those lost parts create holes which are energy blocks, blocking us from our core. As you all know, we then unconsciously fall in love with a partner who has our lost parts.
The Hidden Self comprises those parts that we know exist, but we don’t let anyone see for fear of shame/rejection for example, “I eat a litre of ice cream every day”, or “I love visiting nude beaches” etc. This part of us is seen by us, but not by others. May I invite you to share something that is hidden in you. Imagine what would happen?
I invite you to explore and have fun with these parts. If you have not already, it is worth exploring and becoming curious about. If you are looking for a safe place to explore, I can strongly recommend the Characterological Growth Advanced Training. After participating on two separate occasions, I have felt more alive than I could ever have imagined. You have nothing to lose, only gain back your parts!
The above summary was taken from the Characterological Growth and Singles Training Manuals.
Remnant July & August News
30 July 2020
This date marked Part 2 of the webinar titled: “The art and science of human connection, Climbing the Ladder… Together – The Implications of Polyvagal Theory and Limbic Resonance for Healthy relationships”.
With 37 nervous systems resonating in the room, Savanthika Pillay took us all on a bodily journey where dyads explored what they carry in their bodies by expressing their “Stuck” positions.
Here is what Jane Mungai shared about her experience: “For me the experiment was more than I could have asked for…Almost an out of body experience!! I could not believe that someone I had never met could actually read what I was experiencing at the time and fully understand me and tell my story so accurately. Best therapeutic experience of my life.”
14 August 2020
Diggers Feedback
The KZN Durban Imago Chapter had their monthly meeting and had a wonderful time with Marilet Kotze who presented on The Human Sexual Response Cycle. Marilet explained the cycle as a whole, including information on the biology of the male and female organs and the process of desire, arousal and performance. This served as a real teaser for the spicy Webinar we had with Marilet later in the month.
15 – 16 August 2020
Kobus van der Merwe presented an online Singles Workshop with 5 participants.
Here is what two the participants had to say:
Margaretha; “Invest in a quiet weekend of “life” discovery. Cancel all your plans for Saturday night. Find a peaceful spot in your house where you won’t be interrupted and make sure your connectivity is also uninterrupted. Doing a course like this virtually can be challenging but Kobus and his team were remarkable. Guiding us through all the aspects of the Imago workshop. I found it refreshing and eye opening. It’s important to do the exercises and keep doing them for the first few weeks after the workshop as the content of the workbook is wonderful once you’ve applied it and re-applied it to your life. This is NOT a quick fix. This is only the beginning of the journey.”
Peter-Dirk; “I have an incredible appreciation for Kobus’s humility of character, patience of soul, comprehensiveness of understanding and love of a human. His presence welcomes everyone and does not exclude. He is deeply curious about the work in the moment and with the people he is busy with. We have an absolute master guiding amateurs and his peace makes us not feel lesser, but helps us see the essence of ourselves and the otherness of the other. Together we regain our lost gifts.”
18 August 2020
The International Workshop Presenters Circle meet every third Tuesday of the month. This month, the topic of discussion was sexuality. It is very enriching to learn how different presenters weave sexuality into their workshops. Some presenters also offer a follow up workshop based on sexuality and intimacy. Maureen McEvoy shared some of her learnings from Sophy Slade regarding where all the possibilities are to add sexuality in the Getting The Love You Want Workshop. For example, when presenting the Social Journey, to talk about the lost self and sexual messages or when discussing exits, talking about how the sexless relationship damages the firewalls of the relationship or when presenting the talk about re-romanticising to talk about having a highly satisfying sex life. These are only to mention a few. I hope you are curious enough to hear more and join the next opportunity.
19 August 2020
Once again Group as expert #6 was hosted by myself and Facilitated by Michele Naude. With fourteen participants we shared fun and wisdom with a question about therapy with a couple when one partner shows narcissistic traits. The closing round comments included words such as: insightful, inspired, brave, appreciation, wiser, keep hope, support, empowered, greater depth, more options and honored.
27 August 2020
I am so proud of the Marketing team for putting together the third webinar with Presenter Marilet Kotze: Title “Vanilla isn’t the only flavor: alternative sexual relationship structures” With 41 participants this event proved to not only be spicy but also very educational
Here is what participants said:
Bernard: “Marilet was an extremeful resourceful and impactful speaker as part of Imago Afrika’s webinar series. She seamlessly integrated the core constructs of safety and connection into a sometimes lesser known topic of polyamory and left attendees curious, asking for more! Highly recommended for any professional needing a stimulating evening with like minded therapists.”
Helen Anderson: “Marilet is an absolute expert in her field and her presentation was extremely useful. It equipped me better to deal with couples presenting with difficulties around alternative sexual practices”
Paula Quinsee: “Marilet’s presentation was insightful and informative. I loved the simple yet valuable way she broke down the different aspects of “non-vanilla” relationships and has equipped me with more insights to be more supportive of my clients.”
28 – 30 August 2020
Online Getting The Love You Want workshop with Kobus van der Merwe
Here is what the participants had to say:
“We went on a journey where we got enlightened with new ways to look at our relationship. Through out the weekend we came to a point where we needed to show our appreciation towards each other and it was a pleasant experience to be on the receiving end of appreciation for the both of us. And it is perhaps something we neglected. So it was a pleasant experience”.
“It has been an amazing weekend and it was wonderful to see my husband smile again, connecting with him and recommitting to our relationship. Having hope for all marriages over the world. One can see there is hope and I would also like to take this message out and share it with the world.”
“In its simplicity it was profound. Just being there and not taking the space of the other one and the more you come into their space they feel they are able to get to the real truth. Layer for layer. It is as if we start off trying to deal with the symptoms but the more we are able to be in connection the closer we move to the core of what is really causing the pain. I always thought it is important to interpret and understand my partner but after this weekend I came to realize it is not my job to interpret or to understand but to rather allow my partner to visit their world in a safe way in order for them to reach their truth and to just mirror that. It is such a simple thing, I actually struggle to grasp it because throughout my life I have learned 50 ways of understanding and interpreting but what I actually just had to do was “Shut up and listen” it’s so simple but yet so effective.”
Lorelle Viljoen: “My partner and I had attended an Imago workshop this past weekend. So many times in the past, I have always received the newsletter in my Inbox, where it had originally sparked my interest to attend, but never found the opportunity to travel to SA. Now, with Covid-19 becoming a reality and with everyone adapting to the new ways of work, I again received the newsletter and saw with great excitement that it was going to be presented virtually through an Online Zoom session. I immediately grabbed this opportunity to register and looked forward to what promised to be a life changing event.
What an amazing three days it has been! Each day brought its own excitement and learnings as you were exposed to each other’s lives and souls through expert facilitation by Kobus van der Merwe and his team.
Never before in my life had I experienced a closer connection to my partner than through this workshop. You could not help but move into total tenderness and understanding towards one another as we journeyed through the process of discovering new skills and tools of enhancing communication and growing in our relationship.
I will definitely recommend this to any couple who feel that they have become stuck in a rut of routine and “business as usual” in their marriage or relationship.
This workshop will take your relationship to a new level of compassion; passion and transformation.
It has evolved my “being” into something that can only be beneficial to us both in the long term.”
Here is what some of the facilitators had to say:
Karla van Biljon “The couples workshop has helped me to realize how sacred a marriage is and how your relationship can help you to grow into your full potential. The simplicity of truly listening to your partner, without trying to fix or change them, can bring immense healing to both parties. I sincerely appreciate how Kobus integrate his knowledge, wisdom and personal stories to give a transformational experience. I can highly recommend this to any couple who wants to invest in a meaningful relationship.”
Ronel Pieterse: “This weekend I had the privilege to facilitate during Kobus’s “Getting the Love you want” online workshop. What an amazing experience! I was truly enriched again by the information that Kobus so brilliantly explained using practical day to day examples and personal stories that drove home his message.
I was inspired by the transformational power of the process. Witnessing how couples are transformed right in front of your eyes is truly a great blessing. I felt energised and hopeful at the end of the workshop believing that couple by couple the world can be transformed into a place of healing, peace and love.”
Save The Date
7 – 10 September 2020
Online Imago Clinical Training, Module 1 with Kobus van der Merwe
For more info or to register: elmarie@huwelike.co.za
9 September 2020
Next KZN Diggers chapter meeting.
12 September 2020
Lets’ Talk about Sex: Explore your sexual Imago, learn the language of Intimacy. This one day event is hosted by Michele Naude and Marilet Kotze and will be from 09:00 to 18:00 @ only R3000 per couple or R2600 for Imago Africa paid members. To register contact Michele, mfnaude02@gmail.com or Marilet, kotzemarilet@gmail.com.
16 September 2020
Please join Michele Naude and I for the next Group as Expert (Gax). This is a safe space to ask all those burning clinical questions. Your question provides the well of wisdom collectively brought by each participant. Implicitly the person who is asks the question also has the answer. This is truly magical.
18 – 20 September 2020
Afrikaans Getting The Love You Want workshop with Kobus van der Merwe
For more info or to register: elmarie@huwelike.co.za
24 September 2020
Proudly, Imago Africa hosts a third nationwide Online Chapter, connecting everyone.
The topic: “Contextualising Imago Theory within an African Paradigm.” Join us as we listen to presenters Cathy Hasslau and Sibongile Mkhize
28 September – 1 October 2020
Online Imago Professional Facilitator Training, Module 1 with Kobus van der Merwe
For more info or to register: elmarie@huwelike.co.za
Post Graduate Opportunities in South Africa
I am thrilled to inform you of the possibility of participating in a post graduate program right here in South Africa. Wait…. It gets even better! You get to do it, doing what you love…. Imago Work. I can also say that whoever decides to do this will be supported in ways few post graduate students will know. Please consider this PhD opportunity in Social Science with Relational Dynamics and Development, brought to us by Optentia, NWU.
If you consider registration next year, please contact Professor Vera Roos, Optentia Research Focus Area, Faculty of Humanities, Vaal Triangle Campus. Contact information: +27 82 925 7946 www.nwu.ac.za, http://veraroos.com/. Interviews will be conducted during October/November 2020. For more information click here to see the pamphlet.
This is all for now. I will leave you with a quote I recently heard Harville Hendrix say: “If we can be what we want to see, we will see what we want to be.”
Much love,
Sonia
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