Imago Africa Newsletter
July 2020
Tension and Empathy as two core forces for transformation in couples therapy.
In Imago Relationship Theory, therapists work with the notion that the relationship itself is the therapy. Two relational forces that the therapist can use for change between the couple is the tension of difference and empathy (Schmidt, 2017).
Empathy is a deep understanding and an inner experience of the other’s reality. Empathy can be experienced when couples have the same shared experience.
Imago Relationship Theory (IRT) states that opposite adaptations to childhood wounding and socialization will attract each other in intimate relationships. (Hendrix, 2020) Those opposite adaptations will create tension.
Although empathy that pulls closer and tension that pushes away, looks like opposite forces, together they are powerful forces that can create deep transformation in the relationship between couples.
In IRT, there are four meta-theories. One of them is the psychological meta-theory. Based on Erickson’s developmental theory, children go through specific developmental phases. They can be referred to as life pulses in IRT. Children develop through the attachment, exploration, identity, and competence phases. These phases are deeply rooted in life pulses that are in each human being, for example, the need to belong (attachment) or to be seen (identity). Each of these phases also needs specific relational nurturing. Like in the identity stage, the child needs attuned mirroring.
Some of this nurturing and development happens during childhood. Some of the nurturing and development does not happen during childhood. And that causes pain. Children learn from early childhood to adapt to survive the pain and lack of nurturing. These adaptations, in turn, freeze the development of the child. That means, for example, in the exploration phase that the child may not experience both freedom and belonging in relationships and cannot express the life pulse of exploration, curiosity, and amazement about the world.
Part of the Imago is that the unconscious agenda of love will attract people in relationship to complete these developmental gaps so that they can both express their full aliveness. Two crucial dynamics for that to happen is healing and growth. Repairing the pain from childhood is healing, and dissolving the adaptation to the pain of childhood, is growth. For that to happen, IRT states that people that are wounded in the same developmental phase, but that have adapted in the opposite direction, will attract each other.
Sharing the longing for the same life pulse creates a basis for empathy – a force that creates a willingness for connection and to reach out to the other in a nurturing way. But at the same time, the opposite adaptations of couples will create tension – a force that drives apart, if you look at couples from outside the relational paradigm. But the tension of difference within the relational paradigm becomes a force for transformation.
A skillful Imago Therapist can, with the use of the dialogue, help couples see the shared longing for the same life pulse from childhood. The empathy that this establishes will dissolve the adaptation in each other. At the same time, the tension of difference creates the “push towards wholeness”, but also the resource of the how and the what to dissolve the adaptation.
Using the exploration phase, for example, the nurturing for the exploration pulse is a message of
“I am available, and You are free to be free”. One of the results of that is a sense of space and closeness. It is OK to be on your own, and it is OK to be close. Wounding in childhood is when the message from the parent is “don’t go,” or “I am not available.” That will lead to a sense that closeness is smothering, for the minimizing adaptation, and a sense of space is abandonment, for the maximizing adaptation.
People with these two adaptations will attract each other. In the unconscious relationship, the Isolator will create tension for the Pursuer and vice versa. The Isolator, for example, holds the unconscious need of the Pursuer to be free. But the need will, at the same time, create tension for the Pursuer of abandonment. The Pursuer experiences at the same time the fear of abandonment and the longing for freedom.
Through the Imago Dialogue, the Pursuer can develop empathy (Muro et al., 2015) for the shared longing of the exploration phase for the Isolator. The empathy will become the force to overcome their fear of abandonment to give the nurturing of freedom. That, in turn, will heal the fear of the closeness of the Isolator and dissolve their adaptation of isolation.
The tension of difference becomes a resource of information and energy for the unconscious, and empathy of shared experience becomes the power to enter and reclaim the unconscious wholeness consciously.
That is how the relationship itself becomes the therapy with the forces of tension and empathy.
MURO, L.; HOLLIMAN, R.; LUQUET, W. Imago Relationship Therapy and Accurate Empathy Development.
Journal of Couple & Relationship Therapy, [s. l.], v. 15, n. 3, p. 232–246, 2016. DOI 10.1080/15332691.2015.1024373
Schmidt CD, Gelhert NC. Couples Therapy and Empathy: An Evaluation of the Impact of Imago Relationship Therapy on Partner Empathy Levels. Family Journal. 2017;25(1):23-30. doi:10.1177/1066480716678621
Note from the Chair
I sincerely hope you enjoyed the article written by Kobus. Reading it reminded me of the importance to brush up on our Imago Theory. On a personal note, every time I hear or see the theory, it helps integrate the information and in return, I reap the fruit in my practice. If you missed the first National Virtual Chapter meeting on 13 May, you have just been gifted with the content of Kobus’ presentation.
Thanks, Kobus, for always sharing your knowledge with us so generously!
July News
14 July 2020
Pieter Le Roux & Carol Dixon along with several Imago Clinicians facilitated a lovely event in collaboration with Grace Counselling and #CareForCovidCarers. What a rich and meaningful event this was with 60 Participants! Many thanks to all the facilitators for volunteering your time and passion to do this work.
Susan Eksteen was one of the facilitators and here is what she had to say:
“It was a rich experience for me to have attended the “Finding Comfort in Your Relationships During the COVID Storm” Zoom meeting. The group was different from our regular Imago community and they eagerly absorbed the teachings and participated with enthusiasm in the appreciation dialogue. The session concentrated on the positive – on what we CAN do to deepen our relationships and to consciously connect in this time of COVID. It was empowering to me as well as the many participants, and it seemed to me that we might soon have more people training as therapists. Carol facilitated the process excellently with her lively energy and deep wisdom. I am privileged to be part of our IMAGO Community.”
15 July 2020
The Gauteng Chapter once again hosted another spectacular Chapter with Marlene creating connection for all 32 participants. Carol then introduced the community to Discernment Counselling: “How to transform couples where one partner is keen and the other isn’t!” This counseling was developed by Bill Doherty after research of divorced couples showed they might have stayed together if they had been guided in the decision-making process. This counseling process is specifically designed for situations where one person is keen for therapy and reconciliation and the other is ambivalent or resistant. This process guides the couple toward a place where there are three options: 1) They don’t do anything, 2) they initiate a goodbye process or 3) enter into couples’ therapy. This is only a drop in the bucket of what we learned.
Those who attended and would like the notes can contact El’Maire Grove, our Secretary at info@imagoafrica.co.za.
16 -18 July 2020
The Teenage Lockdown Workshop hosted by Michele Naude, Carol Dixon, and several facilitators, was a huge success. Here is what Marilet Kotze, one of the facilitators had to say:
“I had the immense privilege to join the parent-teen workshop presented by Carol Dixon and Michele Naude. The workshop consisted of 8 parent-teen pairs and 8 facilitators. The pairs were taught the Imago dialogue and theory to help them communicate more effectively.
On a personal note, the whole experience was sublime! It gave one the feeling that you were witnessing not only healing but a mechanism to reduce wounding.
I enjoyed it so so so much and would leap at the chance to do it again!”
Feedback from a Parents:
“I experienced the workshop as n real conscious connection. It was an opportunity to get closer and understand each one’s perspective.
As my son felt really being heard and understood he become more open and alive.
We felt so close and it had a positive impact on our relationship.
It also showed him that he can have the openness to discuss anything with me.”
Feedback from a Teens:
“The workshop was amazing. It gave me the opportunity to spend time with my mother and it helped us improve our communication. It’s wonderful to relive old memories of time spent with your parent. I loved all the exciting breaks in between. One of which was an ice-breaker where everyone laughed and be themselves in the group.”
21 July 2020
Feedback from the Workshop Presenters Collaborative Group. I attended this international meeting and found it very helpful as a workshop presenter. The topic was: Workshop follow-up and how to support couples post-workshop. It was very enriching to learn from other presenters. This meeting takes place every third Tuesday of the month and the next topic will be about presenting couples workshops on sexuality.
22 July 2020
This month our Group as Expert # 5 was hosted by Michele Naude and Pieter Le Roux. Karen van Zyl gifted the group with a question that ignited a rich discussion and provided ample collective wisdom. The question was, “How to work with a couple when domestic violence/abuse is happening.?”
Here is what some of the participants had to say:
“I would definitely recommend the Group as Expert. I feel that it facilitates an affirming process for therapists (there is wisdom in your well) and offers a learning opportunity, getting rich answers to clinical questions. Lastly, I felt it was refreshing and restoring to be part of something so encouraging.” Jade Brown
“I joined group as expert only as an observer because I feel anxious performing in group settings ‘. It was an AMAZING experience. The question was answered from so many perspectives because each person brought their own expertise, therapy experience, and life experience to the question. Michele was an amazing facilitator. I felt a real sense of connection to the group even though I hadn’t met some of the people attending before.” Judy Wynne-Potts
“The group as expert serves two purposes for me. A safe space is facilitated, recognizing individuals as the experts of their contributions, and collectively uncovering the layeredness of a relationally-informed question. The process contributes to a deeper understanding of complex relational dynamics, added vocabulary, and a broadened repertoire to promote optimal warm relationships – professionally and personally.” Prof. Vera Roos
30 July 2020
Webinar. Part 2: “The art and science of human connection, Climbing the Ladder… Together – The Implications of Polyvagal Theory and Limbic Resonance for Healthy relationships”, with Savanthika Pillay.
If you paid and registered for Part I, you will automatically receive the Zoom link and if you want to attend Part 2 and have not attended Part 1, you can contact El’Marie Grove at info@imagoafrica.co.za. You will accordingly also receive part 1.
15 – 16 August 2020
Online Singles Workshop with Kobus van der Merwe
For more info or to register: elmarie@huwelike.co.za
19 August 2020
Group as Expert with Michele Naude. Bring your questions and join in the collective learning.
27 August 2020
Webinar with Presenter Marilet Kotze: Title “Vanilla isn’t the only flavor: alternative sexual relationship structures” This will prove to be very interesting and spicy. Hope to see you all there!
28 – 30 August 2020
Online Getting The Love You Want workshop with Kobus van der Merwe
For more info or to register: elmarie@huwelike.co.za
And there is so much more…. Please don’t forget that we as a Board are here to serve you.
Also, watch this space for the August Newsletter with information about your Imago Career Path.
Much love,
Sonia
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