“When you talk you are only repeating what you already know, but if you listen you might learn something new.” – Dalai Lama
Communication is often listed as one of the most important things for a healthy marriage. Happy couples say “We communicate well.”, but what does that mean exactly?
For effective communication to take place, in other words for a message to be heard, accepted and maybe even understood, there has to be an attentive, skilled listener. The better you listen the better your communication skills will be.
Good listening is a skill. It is not something we humans are naturally good at. Listening resembles a muscle. It requires training, persistence, effort, and most importantly, the intention to become a good listener.
It requires clearing your mind from internal and external noise and if this isn’t possible, postponing a conversation for when you can truly listen without being distracted.
Next time you listen to your partner, try the following tips:
- Give 100% of your attention, or do not listen. Put aside any distractions (smartphones, laptops, TVs etc.)
- Look at your partner and keep looking even if they do not look back at you. Constant eye contact lets the speaker feel that you are listening.
- DO NOT interrupt – Resist the urge to interrupt before the speaker indicates that they are done for the moment.
- DO NOT judge or evaluate. Listen without jumping to conclusions and interpreting what you hear. You may notice your judgmental thoughts but push them aside. If you notice that you lost track of the conversation due to your judgments, apologize to the speaker that your mind was distracted, and ask them to repeat. DO NOT pretend to listen.
- DO NOT impose your solutions. Many people complain that their partners are always too ready to fix and suggest solutions when all they want them to do is LISTEN.
- Ask more (good) questions. You can shape great conversations by asking questions that benefit the speaker and invite them to “speak their mind” or delve deeper into their thoughts and experiences. One of the best questions you can ask is, “Is there more?” or simply an inviting, “Tell me more”
- Reflect – When you finish a conversation, reflect on your listening and think about missed opportunities as well as moments of excellent listening and how that benefited you and your partner.
Try it next time and keep practising! Remember, upskilling your listening requires effort, intention and persistence. The rewards are priceless!
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