{"id":7244,"date":"2020-08-01T05:45:09","date_gmt":"2020-08-01T03:45:09","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.imagoafrica.co.za\/?p=7244"},"modified":"2021-05-12T10:53:05","modified_gmt":"2021-05-12T08:53:05","slug":"ia-newsletter_july-2020-tension-and-empathy-2","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/imagoafrica.co.za\/for-professionals\/ia-newsletter_july-2020-tension-and-empathy-2\/","title":{"rendered":"IA Newsletter_July 2020 : Tension and Empathy"},"content":{"rendered":"

Imago Africa\u00a0Newsletter<\/span>
\nJuly<\/span>\u00a02020<\/span>\u00a0<\/strong><\/h1>\n

\"\"<\/p>\n

Tension and Empathy as two core forces for transformation in couples therapy.<\/h2>\n

In Imago Relationship Theory, therapists work with the notion that the relationship itself is the therapy. Two relational forces that the therapist can use for change between the couple is the tension of difference and empathy (Schmidt, 2017).<\/p>\n

Empathy is a deep understanding and an inner experience of the other\u2019s reality. Empathy can be experienced when couples have the same shared experience.<\/p>\n

Imago Relationship Theory (IRT) states that opposite adaptations to childhood wounding and socialization will attract each other in intimate relationships. (Hendrix,\u00a02020<\/span>) Those opposite adaptations will create tension.<\/p>\n

Although empathy that pulls closer and tension that pushes away, looks like opposite forces, together they are powerful forces that can create deep transformation in the relationship between couples.<\/p>\n

\"\"<\/p>\n

In IRT, there are four meta-theories. One of them is the\u00a0psychological meta-theory<\/strong>. Based on Erickson\u2019s developmental theory, children go through specific developmental phases. They can be referred to as life pulses in IRT. Children develop through the attachment, exploration, identity, and competence phases. These phases are deeply rooted in life pulses that are in each human being, for example, the need to belong (attachment) or to be seen (identity). Each of these phases also needs specific relational nurturing. Like in the identity stage, the child needs attuned mirroring.<\/p>\n

Some of this nurturing and development happens during childhood. Some of the nurturing and development does not happen during childhood. And that causes pain. Children learn from early childhood to adapt to survive the pain and lack of nurturing. These adaptations, in turn, freeze the development of the child. That means, for example, in the exploration phase that the child may not experience both freedom and belonging in relationships and cannot express the life pulse of exploration, curiosity, and amazement about the world.<\/p>\n

Part of the Imago is that the unconscious agenda of love will attract people in relationship to complete these developmental gaps so that they can both express their full aliveness. Two crucial dynamics for that to happen is healing and growth. Repairing the pain from childhood is healing, and dissolving the adaptation to the pain of childhood, is growth. For that to happen, IRT states that people that are wounded in the same developmental phase, but that have adapted in the opposite direction, will attract each other.<\/p>\n

Sharing the longing for the same life pulse creates a basis for empathy – a force that creates a willingness for connection and to reach out to the other in a nurturing way. But at the same time, the opposite adaptations of couples will create tension – a force that drives apart, if you look at couples from\u00a0outside the relational paradigm. But the tension of difference within the relational paradigm becomes a force for transformation.<\/p>\n

A skillful Imago Therapist can, with the use of the dialogue, help couples see the shared longing for the same life pulse from childhood. The empathy that this establishes will dissolve the adaptation in each other. At the same time, the tension of difference creates the \u201cpush towards wholeness\u201d, but also the resource of the how and the what to dissolve the adaptation.<\/p>\n

Using the exploration phase, for example, the nurturing for the exploration pulse is a message of
\n“I am available, and You are free to be free”.\u00a0 One of the results of that is a sense of space and closeness. It is OK to be on your own, and it is OK to be close. Wounding in childhood is when the message from the parent is \u201cdon\u2019t go,\u201d or “I am not available.\u201d That will lead\u00a0to a sense that\u00a0closeness<\/em>\u00a0is smothering, for the minimizing adaptation, and a sense of\u00a0space<\/em>\u00a0is abandonment, for the maximizing adaptation.<\/p>\n

People with these two adaptations will attract each other. In the unconscious relationship, the Isolator will create tension for the Pursuer and vice versa. The Isolator, for example, holds the unconscious need of the Pursuer to be free. But the need will, at the same time, create tension for the Pursuer of abandonment. The Pursuer experiences\u00a0at the same time the fear of abandonment and the longing for freedom.<\/p>\n

Through the Imago Dialogue, the Pursuer can develop empathy (Muro et al., 2015) for the shared longing of the exploration phase for the Isolator. The empathy will become the force to overcome their fear of abandonment to give the nurturing of freedom. That, in turn, will heal the fear of the closeness of the Isolator and dissolve their adaptation of isolation.<\/p>\n

The tension of difference becomes a resource of information and energy for the unconscious, and empathy of shared experience becomes the power to enter and reclaim the unconscious wholeness consciously.<\/p>\n

That is how the relationship itself becomes the therapy with the forces of tension and empathy.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Written by Kobus van der Merwe<\/strong><\/div>\n
\"\"<\/div>\n
<\/div>\n
Resources<\/strong>:<\/span><\/div>\n
Hendrix, H., & Hunt, H. (2020<\/span>).\u00a0Getting the love you want: A guide for couples<\/em>. London: Simon & Schuster UK.<\/span>
\nMURO, L.; HOLLIMAN, R.; LUQUET, W. Imago Relationship Therapy and Accurate Empathy Development.\u00a0<\/span>
\nJournal of Couple & Relationship Therapy<\/strong>,\u00a0[s. l.]<\/em>, v. 15, n. 3, p. 232\u2013246, 2016. DOI 10.1080\/15332691.2015.1024373<\/span>
\nSchmidt CD, Gelhert NC. Couples Therapy and Empathy: An Evaluation of the Impact of Imago Relationship Therapy on Partner Empathy Levels.\u00a0Family Journal<\/em>. 2017;25(1):23-30. doi:10.1177\/1066480716678621<\/span><\/div>\n
<\/div>\n
\n

Note from the Chair<\/strong><\/h2>\n

I sincerely hope you enjoyed the article written by Kobus.\u00a0 Reading it reminded me of the importance to brush up on our Imago Theory.\u00a0 On a personal note, every time I hear or see the theory, it helps integrate the information and in return, I reap the fruit in my practice.\u00a0 If you missed the first National Virtual Chapter meeting on 13 May, you have just been gifted with the content of Kobus\u2019 presentation.<\/p>\n

Thanks, Kobus, for always sharing your knowledge with us so generously!<\/p>\n

July<\/span>\u00a0News<\/strong><\/h2>\n

14\u00a0July<\/span>\u00a02020<\/span><\/strong>
\nPieter Le Roux & Carol Dixon along with several Imago Clinicians facilitated a lovely event in collaboration with\u00a0Grace Counselling\u00a0<\/strong>and #CareForCovidCarers. \u00a0What a rich and meaningful event this was with 60 Participants! Many thanks to all the facilitators for volunteering your time and passion to do this work.<\/p>\n

Susan Eksteen was one of the facilitators and here is what she had to say:
\n\u201cIt was a rich experience for me to have attended the “Finding Comfort in Your Relationships During the COVID Storm” Zoom meeting.\u00a0 The group was different from our regular Imago community and they eagerly absorbed the teachings and participated with enthusiasm in the appreciation dialogue.\u00a0 The session concentrated on the positive – on what we CAN do to deepen our relationships and to consciously connect in this time of COVID. It was empowering to me as well as the many participants, and it seemed to me that we might soon have more people training as therapists.\u00a0 Carol facilitated the process excellently with her lively energy and deep wisdom.\u00a0 I am privileged\u00a0to be part of our IMAGO Community.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

15\u00a0July<\/span>\u00a02020<\/span><\/strong>
\nThe\u00a0Gauteng Chapter<\/strong>\u00a0once again hosted another spectacular Chapter with Marlene creating connection for all 32 participants.\u00a0 Carol then introduced the community to Discernment Counselling: \u201cHow to transform couples where one partner is keen and the other isn\u2019t!\u201d\u00a0 This counseling was developed by Bill Doherty after research of divorced couples showed they might have stayed together if they had been guided in the decision-making process.\u00a0 This counseling process is specifically designed for situations where one person is keen for therapy and reconciliation and the other is ambivalent or resistant.\u00a0 This process guides the couple toward a place where there are three options:\u00a0 1) They don\u2019t do anything, 2) they initiate a goodbye process or 3) enter into couples\u2019 therapy.\u00a0 This is only a drop in the bucket of what we learned.<\/p>\n

Those who attended and would like the notes can contact El\u2019Maire Grove, our Secretary at\u00a0info@imagoafrica.co.za<\/a>.<\/p>\n

16 -18\u00a0July<\/span>\u00a02020<\/span><\/strong>
\nThe\u00a0Teenage Lockdown Workshop<\/strong> hosted by Michele Naude, Carol Dixon, and several facilitators, was a huge success. Here is what Marilet Kotze, one of the facilitators had to say:
\n\u201cI had the immense privilege to join the parent-teen workshop presented by Carol Dixon and Michele Naude. The workshop consisted of 8 parent-teen pairs and 8 facilitators. The pairs were taught the Imago dialogue and theory to help them communicate more effectively.<\/em>
\nOn a personal note, the whole experience was sublime! It gave one the feeling that you were witnessing not only healing but a mechanism to reduce wounding.<\/em>
\nI enjoyed it so so so much and would leap at the chance to do it again!\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

Feedback from a Parents:
\n“I experienced the workshop as n real conscious connection. It was an opportunity to get closer and understand each one’s perspective.
\nAs my son felt really being heard and understood he become more open and alive.
\nWe felt so close and it had a positive impact on our relationship.
\nIt also showed him that he can have the openness to discuss anything with me.”\u00a0\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

Feedback from a Teens:
\n“The workshop was amazing. \u00a0It gave me the opportunity to spend time with my mother and it helped us improve our communication. It’s wonderful to relive old memories of time spent with your parent. \u00a0I loved all the exciting breaks in between. One of which was an ice-breaker where everyone laughed and be themselves in the group.”<\/em><\/p>\n

21\u00a0July<\/span>\u00a02020<\/span><\/strong>
\nFeedback from the\u00a0Workshop Presenters Collaborative Group.\u00a0\u00a0<\/strong>I attended this international meeting and found it very helpful as a workshop presenter.\u00a0 The topic was: Workshop follow-up and how to support couples post-workshop.\u00a0 It was very enriching to learn from other presenters.\u00a0 This meeting takes place every third Tuesday of the month and the next topic will be about presenting couples workshops on sexuality.<\/p>\n

22\u00a0July<\/span>\u00a02020<\/span><\/strong>
\nThis month our\u00a0Group as Expert # 5<\/strong>\u00a0was hosted by Michele Naude and Pieter Le Roux. Karen van Zyl gifted the group with a question that ignited a rich discussion and provided ample collective wisdom.\u00a0 The question was, \u201cHow to work with a couple when domestic violence\/abuse is happening.?\u201d<\/p>\n

Here is what some of the participants had to say:
\n\u201cI would definitely\u00a0recommend the Group as Expert. I feel that it facilitates an\u00a0affirming<\/u>\u00a0process for therapists\u00a0(there is wisdom in your well) and offers a\u00a0learning opportunity<\/u>, getting rich answers to clinical questions. Lastly, I felt it was refreshing and restoring to be part of something so encouraging.\u201d<\/em>\u00a0Jade Brown<\/p>\n

\u201cI joined group as expert only as an observer because I feel anxious performing in group settings \u2018. It was an AMAZING experience. The question was answered from so many perspectives because each person brought their own expertise, therapy experience, and life experience to the question. Michele was an amazing facilitator. I felt a real sense of connection to the group even though I hadn\u2019t met some of the people attending before.\u201d<\/em>\u00a0\u00a0 Judy Wynne-Potts<\/p>\n

“The group as expert serves two purposes for me. A safe space is facilitated, recognizing individuals as the experts of their contributions, and collectively uncovering the layeredness of a relationally-informed question. The process contributes to a deeper understanding of complex relational dynamics, added vocabulary, and a broadened repertoire to promote optimal warm relationships – professionally and personally.”\u00a0 <\/em>Prof. Vera Roos<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

<\/strong><\/span><\/div>\n
\n
\n

30\u00a0July<\/span>\u00a02020<\/span><\/strong>
\nWebinar. Part 2:<\/strong>\u00a0\u00a0\u201cThe art and science of human connection, Climbing the Ladder\u2026 Together<\/strong>\u00a0\u2013 The Implications of Polyvagal Theory and Limbic Resonance for Healthy relationships\u201d<\/strong>, with Savanthika Pillay.
\nIf you paid and registered for Part I, you will automatically receive the Zoom link and if you want to attend Part 2 and have not attended Part 1, you can contact El\u2019Marie Grove at\u00a0info@imagoafrica.co.za<\/a>.\u00a0 You will accordingly also receive part 1.<\/p>\n

15 – 16 August\u00a02020<\/span><\/strong><\/p>\n<\/div>\n

Online Singles Workshop<\/strong>\u00a0with Kobus van der Merwe
\nFor more info or to register:\u00a0elmarie@huwelike.co.za<\/a><\/p>\n

19 August\u00a02020<\/span><\/strong>
\nGroup as Expert<\/strong>\u00a0with Michele Naude.\u00a0 Bring your questions and join in the collective learning.<\/p>\n

27 August\u00a02020<\/span><\/strong>
\nWebinar<\/strong> with Presenter Marilet Kotze: Title\u00a0“Vanilla isn’t the only flavor: alternative sexual relationship structures”\u00a0 This will prove to be very interesting and spicy. Hope to see you all there!<\/p>\n

28 – 30 August\u00a02020<\/span><\/strong>
\nOnline Getting The Love You Want<\/strong>\u00a0workshop with Kobus van der Merwe
\nFor more info or to register:\u00a0elmarie@huwelike.co.za<\/a>
\nAnd there is so much more\u2026. Please don\u2019t forget that we as a Board are here to serve you.<\/p>\n

Also, watch this space for the August Newsletter<\/span>\u00a0with information about your Imago Career Path.<\/p>\n

Much love,<\/p>\n

Sonia<\/p>\n<\/div>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

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In Imago Relationship Theory, therapists work with the notion that the relationship itself is the therapy. Two relational forces that the therapist can use for change between the couple is the tension of difference and empathy (Schmidt, 2017). 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