{"id":6864,"date":"2020-02-25T06:53:30","date_gmt":"2020-02-25T06:53:30","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.imagoafrica.co.za\/?p=6864"},"modified":"2020-02-25T06:53:30","modified_gmt":"2020-02-25T06:53:30","slug":"ia-february-20-newsletter-cant-buy-me-love","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/imagoafrica.co.za\/for-professionals\/ia-february-20-newsletter-cant-buy-me-love\/","title":{"rendered":"IA February ’20 Newsletter : CAN’T BUY ME LOVE"},"content":{"rendered":"

My grandmother had a way of speaking plainly and directly. When my older sister and my cousins were of marriageable age, based on her own lived experience and observations of life around her, her words of guidance were unambiguous, unromantic and brutal; \u201cwhen poverty walks in the door, love flies out the window\u201d.<\/p>\n

A\u00a02018 poll of more than 2\u00a0000 British adults<\/u>\u00a0found that money worries were the top reason for marriages dissolving, and with\u00a0four in 10 marriages in South Africa ending in divorce before their 10th anniversary<\/u>, it\u2019s more important than ever to develop healthy money habits in your relationship now. Read more on\u00a0Money worries<\/a>\u00a0and\u00a0SA Stats<\/a><\/p>\n

Clearly, my grandmother was a sage and she disagreed with The Beatles.<\/p>\n

In a divorce mediation course many years ago, as part of the training, we did an exercise on the values we hold most dear, and I am sure you can conjure up a list of important philosophical choices like love, family, relationships, respect, integrity, honesty.\u00a0 Which are the values that are the top of your list? How about money?<\/p>\n

Money was amongst the values listed in the exercise and yet not many chose this as an obvious value. It seems vulgar to choose money as a value, doesn\u2019t it? And yet as we all know when a couple divorces, money is the context through which people inflict pain and continue the power struggle.<\/p>\n

This Valentine\u2019s month, we will not be so disruptive as to suggest that money can buy love.\u00a0 Our philosophy is clear – connectedness and belonging enable us to feel loved and alive.\u00a0 That said, we recognize that money troubles, differences in how money should be used, more often than not, disconnects us from those we love and from those who love us, because we\u2019re using our emotional energy fighting to keep one\u2019s head above water or resenting how our partner spends or saves.<\/p>\n

Before we proceed, exploring what we should be talking about, it is our position that the most important first step is exploring\u00a0how we talk about it.<\/u>\u00a0 Many money conversations end badly because couples have these conversations completely defended against each other, feeling shamed, blamed, furious and misunderstood.<\/p>\n

The structure and script of the Imago dialogue process provides the safety to have any conversation. It is the bedrock of a conscious conversation, where we engage each other with clear intentions to seek to understand the other, rather than to be understood, where we seek to listen rather than to respond and where we feel safe and brave enough to lower the pointing finger and look back to our own childhood, to understand our relationship with money, our experience of scarcity or abundance and how money was used as a demonstration of power.\u00a0\u00a0In essence, before you have a crucial conversation, ensure that you have a dialogical process to support you.<\/u><\/p>\n

As importantly, most people have not thought deeply enough about their relationship to money, and what influenced their relationship to it. Why are your partner\u2019s spending or saving habits so triggering to you? \u00a0What old feelings do they arouse in you?<\/p>\n

Our first point of reflection is always personal and individual.\u00a0 Here are a few things to think about:<\/p>\n