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\u00a0\u2018Funny thing, (Curley\u2019s wife) said. If I catch any one man, and he\u2019s alone, I get along fine with him. But just let two of the guys get together an\u2019 you won\u2019t talk. Jus\u2019 nothing but mad\u2019. She dropped her fingers and put her hands on her hips. \u2018you\u2019re all scared of each other, that\u2019s what. Ever\u2019one of you\u2019s scared the rest is goin\u2019 to get something on you.\u201d\u00a0\u00a0John Steinbeck, Of Mice and Men<\/strong><\/p>\n SLEEPING WITH THE ENEMY<\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n It is Women\u2019s Month.\u00a0 I dedicate this newsletter to men. Because, as we know, the abuse and violence against women is not a women\u2019s issue, it\u2019s a men\u2019s issue.\u00a0 Women are not protecting themselves against women they\u2019re protecting themselves against men.<\/p>\n And I reflect on the wisdom of Thich Nhat Hanh, who says, “people who make us suffer, are suffering”.\u00a0\u00a0Men have paid such a price for the way they have been socialized.\u00a0 They have had to disassociate from their very own essence, in order to survive, to fit the stereotype of \u2018being a real man’, to take charge, to dominate, to keep a stiff upper lip, to control outcomes, by which ever means are available to them.<\/p>\n And I anticipate horror and denial of women and men reading this, outraged by the indictment. \u201cNot me, I\u2019m not that guy or not MY husband?\u2019\u00a0 That may be so, but there is more that you can contribute, other than \u201cnot me\u201d?\u00a0 We\u2019ll get to this later.<\/p>\n First, here\u2019s a borrowed question from Jackson Katz, the author of The Macho Paradox (why some men hurt women and how ALL men can help). He typically asks this question in mixed audiences in the United States. First he draws a line down the middle of a white-board, creating a division and a place to capture responses for men and women.\u00a0 He then asks, “what steps do you guys take on a daily basis, to prevent yourselves from being sexually assaulted?\u201d As you can imagine, the women\u2019s side of the white-board is loaded with responses.\u00a0 The men\u2019s side,\u00a0not so much.<\/p>\n Most men don\u2019t think about this question.\u00a0 Ever.\u00a0 Not for themselves anyway.\u00a0 But they may think about it, in relation to their female relatives. How many dads reading this have asked their teenage daughters to cover up, before going to a party?\u00a0 How many parents reading this have warned their daughters about the date rape drug, Rohypnol?\u00a0 Have asked their daughters and their friends to \u201cguard\u201d their drinks when going to a nightclub?\u00a0 Who are we scared of, in these scenarios?\u00a0 Not the criminal in the street, but the young men our daughters socialize with.\u00a0 And these men are our sons.<\/p>\n Our news feeds are saturated with stories of the abuse of women and children, as a world-wide problem. The recent #me too campaign has highlighted again, that the abusers, who are mostly men, are from every layer of society; from the impoverished community, to the rural village, to the middle and upper class home, to schools, to the wealthy college students, to political and religious organizations, to athletes, to medical practitioners, to sports coaches to the entertainment industry to the corporate world, to every race, colour and creed of man. \u00a0EVERYWHERE<\/strong><\/span>.<\/p>\n To illustrate the point, many of you may have heard the term \u201cchikan\u201d \u2013 a Japanese word that is now internationally recognized, and is even used on certain governmental websites, warning their citizens travelling to Japan.\u00a0 Translated, it means groping.\u00a0 Girls and women using public transportation are at high risk.\u00a0 The age range of victims, younger than 10 to over 50; an article I read said that the police statistics showed that 30% of the violations take place between 07h00 and 09h00, whilst children are on their way to school and women to their various destinations.<\/p>\n A week ago, I was with a group of women. The words and stories of these women ring in my head still. One woman said in the plainest way,\u00a0 \u201cmy father used to hit me often, very badly.\u201d\u00a0 Some others briefly shared stories of emotional, physical and sexual abuse.\u00a0 This was not a support group, I was not facilitating or coaching and we were not gathering to speak about these issues.\u00a0 We were a group of professionals, attending a course together.\u00a0 Picture this group of women, who mostly, came from homes that had white picket fences, who had a decent education, lived in \u201csafe\u201d neighborhoods, and were exposed to regular religious worship; the trappings of suburbia.\u00a0 You and I sit with them every day.\u00a0 In fact, they may be you or me or your sibling or closest friend or mother.\u00a0 The danger they experienced was not from the criminal in the street, but from the men in their lives, related to them or known to them.<\/p>\n Recent memoirs by local South African women (Tracy Going called\u00a0Brutal Legacy\u00a0and by 24 year old Christy Chilimigras,\u00a0Things even Gonzales couldn\u2019t fix)\u00a0lift the veil on suburbia.\u00a0 Tracy Going goes a step further by sharing not only the horrors of growing up with domestic violence and being beaten up by her ex-partner when she was at the height of her success, but exposes the damning and cruel justice system, where female victims of violence are shamed and brutalized again.<\/p>\n This morning, August 1, I listened to a woman activist fighting gender-based violence, who was at the forefront of the #Total Shut Down Campaign; her words were so poignant and chilling \u2013\u00a0\u201cwe want men to know, our bodies are not a crime scene.\u201d<\/strong><\/span>\u00a0 \u00a0I have never heard a more apt description, depicting what a women\u2019s or child\u2019s body becomes, after an abuse \u2013 it literally is, the scene of the crime.<\/p>\n I want to return now, to my opening statement, that violence against women is a men\u2019s issue.\u00a0 How should a male reader or your partner, who is not an abusive man, respond to this?\u00a0 He should look at ways that he is complicit and props up a system of male dominance, in subtle and not so subtle ways.\u00a0 Here are a few random points of reflection. I am certain you could think of many more examples that you have experienced, witnessed or thought about:<\/p>\n Even when uncomfortable,\u00a0do you remain silent in the face of other men\u2019s abuse of women<\/strong><\/span>\u00a0\u2013 the cat-calling, the uninvited sexual innuendo, the sexist remarks at the office, the body-shaming, the locker-room talk?\u00a0 Do you choose to be \u201cone of the guys\u201d, because the alternative feels too threatening?<\/p>\n Why, despite the sexual violence and denigration of women, is Grand Theft Auto still one of the most popular video games of all time?\u00a0<\/strong><\/span>\u00a0Who typically plays Grand Auto Theft \u2013 men or women?\u00a0 Do you?\u00a0 Have you?\u00a0 Looking at other games, that you or your children may be playing, what are the set of values built into the game, that you conform to, in order to be successful at the game?<\/p>\n Because you consider yourself, one of the good guys,\u00a0do you feel absolved of any responsibility around gender-based violence?<\/strong><\/span>\u00a0\u00a0Given the statistics and they are high all over the world, every good guy knows or loves a woman who has been a victim of gender based-violence.\u00a0 The reason that gender based violence should become your issue, is because every statistic in the world is screaming out, telling you that the women and girls you care about, are vulnerable and potential victims of sexist, predatory and abusive behaviour, every day and wherever they go.<\/p>\n Have you ever used the term\u00a0\u201dboys will be boys”<\/strong><\/span>\u00a0or\u00a0\u201cwhat\u2019s a man to do\u201d<\/strong><\/span>\u00a0or something along those lines? This is such a careless remark.\u00a0 Upon interrogation of this throwaway remark, and many others like these, what you are actually indulging and acknowledging is that bad or inappropriate behavior should not only be expected but accepted and condoned because \u201cboys will be boys\u201d. This is how you perpetuate a system that normalizes and continues to grant liberties to men who display offensive, inconsiderate and abusive behaviour.<\/p>\n We are a community of practitioners, who believe at our core, that we are relational and connected. This means that we have a contribution to make; that we have co-created a country that has one of the highest rates of violence against women in the world. So yes, maybe not you or not your husband; but have you looked deeply enough at how you are socializing your children on gender lines, at the power dynamics in your own relationships, at behaviours you celebrate, condone and condemn, at your language which conveys your attitude, at your silence even when you are uncomfortable with what you are seeing or hearing.\u00a0\u00a0Are we complicit because we are simply not conscious enough and at the heart of it, we think, it\u2019s \u201cabout them and not us\u201d?<\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n In closing, Jackson Katz, whose book I have already referenced, and whose work has influenced much of my content here, asks a powerful question, and I leave his question with you, in the hope that it may ignite thinking, generate a conversation and create a renewed contribution to the fight against gender based violence<\/p>\n \u201cAt what age do boys begin to learn that having power over women is part of being a man?\u201d<\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n Savanthika Pillay Feminine Protection BY Daphne Gottlieb<\/span><\/strong><\/p>\n oh honey honey I’m telling you \u2014 a woman’s work is never and then that guy who felt me up on the subway, well \u2014 and that guy on the corner calling me everyday and oh those guys who tried to jump but a girl’s got to do what a girl’s got to do and what with all the screaming A girl never knows when she’s gonna need IMAGO AFRICA Chair:\u00a0Johanri Engelbrecht\u00a0 ||\u00a0\u00a0Vice Chair:\u00a0Pieter le Roux <\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n Copyright \u00a9 2016 Imago Africa, All rights reserved.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" \u00a0\u2018Funny thing, (Curley\u2019s wife) said. If I catch any one man, and he\u2019s alone, I get along fine with him. But just let two of the guys get together an\u2019 you won\u2019t talk. Jus\u2019 nothing but mad\u2019. She dropped her fingers and put her hands on her hips. \u2018you\u2019re all scared of each other, that\u2019s […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":7,"featured_media":6713,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_et_pb_use_builder":"","_et_pb_old_content":"","_et_gb_content_width":"","footnotes":""},"categories":[48],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-6710","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-uncategorized"],"yoast_head":"\n![\"\"](\"https:\/\/www.imagoafrica.co.za\/wp-content\/uploads\/2019\/09\/2-300x151.jpg\")
<\/p>\n
\nImago Africa Board<\/p>\n![\"\"](\"https:\/\/www.imagoafrica.co.za\/wp-content\/uploads\/2019\/09\/3-203x300.jpg\")
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\ndone. why that guy who gave me the once-over twice
\npumping his hands under his overcoat \u2014
\nwell, his eyes don’t open so well
\nsince I sprayed him in the face with my
\nMiss Lady Aerosol Pump Superhold Formula Hairspray<\/p>\n
\nblame it on my Lady Eve Press-on Manicure Nails in Sin Red
\nand something about that kind of fruit, why
\nthat adam’s apple just fell right out
\nripe and red into my hand<\/p>\n
\nwith his hey baby baby doncha wanna baby baby
\ndoncha wanna piece of me
\nand I said yeah baby baby yeah I wanna piece of you
\nand took off a one-inch slab of his tongue
\nwith my Non-slip Grip Lady Schick<\/p>\n
\nme on the way home oh don’t you know
\nthese things always end in tears
\nI was so sorry to lose my favorite pair of Foxy Lady
\nFive-inch Patent Leather Spike Heels \u2014 it’s going
\nto be a while before I get over that one<\/p>\n
\nand don’t even start me on what happened
\nthe night that guy broke into my sanitary
\npad it took me hours to clean off my Curling
\nIron, my Nail File, my Tweezers, my Just-For-Me
\nSandal Toe Queen Size Control Tops are still hanging out to dry<\/p>\n
\nI’m lucky I didn’t get caught red-
\nhanded with my Pink Comfort-Tip
\nScented Double-Barrel Super-Plus Sawed-
\nOff Tampax but Thank God for
\nfeminine protection.<\/p>\n
\nto soak up some blood.<\/p>\n
\nBOARD MEMBERS<\/p>\n
\nSecretary:\u00a0Sonia Kruger ||\u00a0\u00a0Training:\u00a0Kobus van der Merwe, Michele Naude
\nTreasurer:\u00a0Stefan Uys ||\u00a0\u00a0Marketing:\u00a0\u00a0Fred de Villiers\u00a0||\u00a0Development:\u00a0Mariaan Uys
\nCommunity:\u00a0Mapule Ratshefola\u00a0||\u00a0Facilitators:\u00a0Theuns Stofberg
\nAdministration: El’Marie Grove
\nChapter Heads:\u00a0Grete Becker, Hilze Strauss, Carol-Ann Dixon, Tildie de Villiers<\/p>\n