{"id":5645,"date":"2018-03-10T18:20:50","date_gmt":"2018-03-10T18:20:50","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.imagoafrica.co.za\/?p=5645"},"modified":"2018-03-10T18:20:50","modified_gmt":"2018-03-10T18:20:50","slug":"7-great-tips-for-imago-dialogue","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/imagoafrica.co.za\/for-professionals\/7-great-tips-for-imago-dialogue\/","title":{"rendered":"7 great tips for Imago Dialogue"},"content":{"rendered":"
    \n
  1. Never dialogue when you\u2019re angry.<\/u><\/strong>\u00a0\u00a0 The Imago dialogue<\/a> is a process of conscious communication.\u00a0 It\u2019s difficult to be conscious when you\u2019re angry.<\/li>\n<\/ol>\n

    Conscious communication is about taking responsibility for your experience, your feelings and the deeper childhood experience that created the trigger for your reaction.\u00a0 Also, it\u2019s about keeping the space between you and your partner safe.\u00a0 Remember that anger is a cover feeling.\u00a0 We are never angry for the reason we think.\u00a0 If either of you is angry because your partner isn\u2019t listening to you, it\u2019s more than likely true that you had a parent who didn\u2019t listen in the way that you needed.\u00a0 What\u2019s underlying is probably feeling unimportant, sad, hurt, frustrated or alone.\u00a0 Yours may be different, though deeper than anger.\u00a0\u00a0 Communicating when you\u2019ve taken some time to figure it out will keep each of you from the automatic reaction.\u00a0 If you want to switch, notice if that switch is to defend yourself or be right.\u00a0 Take time to understand your partner, so you can consciously talk about your experience.\u00a0 Often a switch isn\u2019t necessary.<\/p>\n

     <\/p>\n

      \n
    1. Always ask for an appointment<\/u><\/strong> when you want to have a dialogue. \u201cI\u2019d like to have a dialogue about what happened this morning.\u00a0 Is this a good time?\u201d If it\u2019s not, set up a specific time as soon as possible.<\/li>\n<\/ol>\n

      A dialogue needs to be set up for both of you to win.\u00a0 Automatically dialoging will only lead to more reactive expression and behavior, where you ultimately continue to feel unsafe and disconnected.\u00a0 You are both responsible for keeping the space between you clean and safe.\u00a0 Remember that if you just start talking and expect your partner to mirror you, it will only create more disappointment.\u00a0 That\u2019s the reason for the dialogue structure.<\/p>\n

       <\/p>\n

        \n
      1. Do practice the dialogue.<\/u><\/strong>\u00a0 I suggest doing more appreciations in the beginning.<\/li>\n<\/ol>\n

        You can also dialogue about your day, the kids, or something innocuous just to learn the process.\u00a0 Keep your cheat sheet with you as you do this.\u00a0 Many people think they\u2019ve dialogued enough if they just mirror.\u00a0 Going deeper into validation and empathy allows the listener to understand more deeply your experience, so more healing can take place.\u00a0 You can reduce the dialogue sheet, laminate it and keep it with you for times outside of your home.<\/p>\n

         <\/p>\n

          \n
        1. Keep it short.<\/u><\/strong>\u00a0 At first about 3 or 4 sends.\u00a0 It\u2019s much easier for the receiver to hold what you\u2019re saying.<\/li>\n<\/ol>\n

          It\u2019s amazing how clear you can be in 3 or 4 sentences.\u00a0 Just practice and see if you can say your frustration consciously.\u00a0 When it goes on and on, your partner may lose the essence of what you\u2019re wanting them to hear.\u00a0 It may be difficult at first to not want to go on and on, which is why I say\u2026practice.\u00a0 Also, if it\u2019s a long process, when you ask for a dialogue, it may feel like a chore.\u00a0 If as the receiver you feel like it\u2019s too much to mirror, calmly put your hand up a little and say \u201clet me see if get you,\u201d letting them know that it\u2019s important that you are able to hear them.<\/p>\n

           <\/p>\n

            \n
          1. When asking for a behavior change<\/u><\/strong>, ask for something positive.<\/li>\n<\/ol>\n

            For example; \u201cWhen we\u2019re out and walking, I don\u2019t want you to walk ahead of me\u201d becomes, \u201cWhen we\u2019re out and walking, I\u2019d like you to walk beside me and hold my hand.\u201d\u00a0 Asking for what you would like, allows your partner to give you the gift, rather than pointing out what\u2019s wrong. It becomes a criticism\u2026we don\u2019t connect through criticism.\u00a0 Right? With a child, or even talking to yourself, \u201cDon\u2019t spill your milk\u201d will almost assure the milk will spill.\u00a0 If you change that to \u201cplease hold on to your glass\u201d, you will get a more positive response.\u00a0 I remember bringing my coffee into a supermarket and saying to myself, \u201cyou\u2019re going to spill this,\u201d and almost immediately it spilled.\u00a0 Amazing how that works.<\/p>\n

             <\/p>\n

              \n
            1. Be patient and give your partner the benefit of the doubt. <\/u><\/strong>This process is not easy.\u00a0 You may fall out of the process at first (and probably second and third).<\/li>\n<\/ol>\n

              Take a break and come back to it.\u00a0 Make a specific time, so you know you will revisit it shortly.\u00a0 You always want to let your partner know that what they have to say matters to you.<\/p>\n

               <\/p>\n

                \n
              1. The Imago dialogue is not about solving a problem.<\/u><\/strong> It\u2019s about a process of learning to listen to your partner\u2019s world with presence, compassion, understanding and empathy. There\u2019s nothing more healing that that. Create a connection before trying to resolve issues. Stay present with your eyes. Holding hands when dialoguing helps to keep the connection.<\/li>\n<\/ol>\n

                Be kind to each other.\u00a0 You\u2019re in it together.\u00a0 Thank each other for going on this journey<\/a> with you.\u00a0 You\u2019re learning a whole new way to communicate.\u00a0 It\u2019s a very valiant journey toward getting the love you want<\/p>\n

                By: Bobbi Newman<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

                Never dialogue when you\u2019re angry.\u00a0\u00a0 The Imago dialogue is a process of conscious communication.\u00a0 It\u2019s difficult to be conscious when you\u2019re angry. 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