Imago Relationship Therapy in marriage counselling and relationship counselling is the most effective form of couple\u2019s work that I have come across. Here\u2019s why:<\/p>\n
How is Imago Relationship Therapy Different?<\/strong><\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u00a0See some of the differences in how the\u00a0Imago therapist works with you in a session<\/a>.<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n \u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n I have used the tools and principles of Imago Relationship Therapy for over 25 years in my own relationship and it works.\u00a0 It has given me a much more effective approach to working with frustrations, misunderstandings, and unintentional ways that we hurt each other.\u00a0 And, it has helped us continue to learn new things about each other even after knowing each other for 40 years. \u00a0I have also used it for tense or frustrating\u00a0situations with other people.<\/p>\n What does the word \u201c<\/strong>Imago<\/strong>\u201d mean?<\/strong><\/p>\n <\/p>\n Imago is the Latin word for\u00a0\u2018image<\/em>\u2018. Several schools of psychology have used the same word in different ways. Imago Relationship Therapy means it as the unique image of familiar love that each of us develops over time, beginning at birth. Think of it as an image or a template of familiar love . . . how someone who loves us will be with us. . . . both in the positive aspects of that love and the negative.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Does your partner sometimes seem like the worst (or the best) of your growing up? Find out why. http:\/\/bit.ly\/1ZP1bjm<\/em><\/a><\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n CLICK TO TWEET<\/em><\/a><\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n So essentially as human beings, we take in what love (and disapproval) feels like, looks like and sounds like from our parents and other adults who are significant in our life. For example, images of familiar love may include fun-loving and free spirited, emotionally unavailable, preoccupied or stressed, ignoring, critical, or interested and encouraging parents or caregivers.\u00a0 Or the image might be of loving, fun parents \/ parental figures as long as you do what they want and think like they think.\u00a0 If you don\u2019t, you are punished, shamed, or discounted. \u00a0 Your \u2018imago\u2019 will be unique to you, based on your experience of people in adult roles growing up, as well as other\u00a0relationships in your life.<\/p>\n As children, we begin to make meaning \u2014 we tell ourselves stories\u00a0\u2014\u00a0 about those looks, tone of voice, fun, debates, affection, disapproval, criticism, etc.\u00a0 For example, we might tell ourselves, \u201cI\u2019m loved\u201d, \u201cI have to take care of everybody else and ignore my own needs\u201d, \u201cI can depend on people who care about me\u201d, \u201cno matter what I do, it will never be good enough\u201d.\u00a0 If I have a story that gives those words and behaviours meaning, I know how to act and how I need to be in my family and relationships to get love and approval, and how to protect myself.\u00a0 We hold on to our stories, usually without realizing that they are stories. \u00a0We make them THE truth, even if they are not the intent of our parents, and in turn our spouse.<\/p>\n For example, Joe had very loving parents who thought he was absolutely wonderful.\u00a0 They told him often that they were proud of him, they encouraged him telling him he could do and be anything he wanted and that they would support him.\u00a0 Joe felt very loved and cared for.\u00a0 However, sometimes Joe would get 4 A\u2019s and 1 B.\u00a0 His loving parents would ask him about the B, if he was having trouble with anything in particular in the class.\u00a0 His parents went to his sporting events and Dad would give him a suggestion on his playing.\u00a0 However, the \u2018meaning\u2019 or \u2018story\u2019 that Joe\u2019s brain made up was \u201cno matter what I do, it will never be good enough unless it is perfect.\u201d\u00a0 So he worked very hard to be perfect and became very sensitive to anyone\u2019s effort to give him a suggestion.<\/p>\n So why does this matter in marriage or love relationships?<\/strong><\/p>\n <\/p>\n Because this \u2018imago\u2019 \u2014 the images along with the meaning we give them \u2014 show up in our spouse. Our story starts playing like a movie that has just been on pause until a \u2018trigger\u2019 hits the play button.\u00a0 So when Mary says to her husband, Joe,\u00a0\u201cLove could you fold the towels THIS way so they will fit better in the linen cupboard?\u201d,<\/em>\u00a0\u00a0Joe hears,\u00a0\u201cno matter what I do, it\u2019s never good enough\u201d<\/em>\u00a0and stomps off saying\u00a0\u201cfine, do it yourself.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n At the same time, Joe got a lot of affection growing up, so having touch, affection, snuggling on the couch, hugs, kisses, all play the movie that he is loved and valued.<\/p>\n Mary did not grow up in an affectionate family.\u00a0 Her family showed love by helping each other, doing things for each other, encouraging each other.\u00a0 So her low level of affection plays a movie for Joe that says things like: \u00a0\u201cshe loves the dog more than she loves me\u201d<\/em>\u00a0 or\u00a0\u201cnow she\u2019s mad at me<\/em>\u201d when in fact, that is not true.\u00a0 Or when Joe does not offer to help Mary on a project because he believes she is capable and can do anything she puts her mind to, he thinks he is showing love, but her movie plays\u00a0\u201cif he loved me and wanted to support me, he would offer to help me with this.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n Because of these \u2018images\u2019 and stories of meaning that we have created\u00a0to make sense of our world and how we need to be in it, we learn quickly how to get approval and how protect ourselves from disapproval, disconnection, anger, and more. \u00a0 For example we might learn not to share our thoughts or ideas if they are different from the person we love.\u00a0 Or we don\u2019t try to help because it won\u2019t be good enough anyway.\u00a0 Or we withdraw to avoid conflict.\u00a0 Or we keep asking what\u2019s wrong if our spouse is quiet for a while.\u00a0 Our self-protection behaviours become like a coat of armour that we put on\u00a0to protect ourselves around those negative stories that\u00a0the words or actions of our spouse trigger.<\/p>\n When we put on our armour, we almost always trigger the self-protective armour These patterns of triggering and self-protection are most often at the core of most conflict.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n The Imago and who we are attracted to:<\/strong><\/p>\n The good and bad news is that subconsciously, we tend to look for someone who is a close-enough-copy of our imago \u2014 our image of familiar love \u2014 both in the positives and the negatives.\u00a0 So for example, we might subconsciously look for someone who is loving, generous, but who sometimes withdraws for seemingly no reason \u2014 just like Mom and\/or Dad.<\/p>\n So why would anyone ever look for the\u00a0positives\u00a0AND\u00a0the negatives in a potential partner? <\/em><\/strong>Read Part 2<\/a>\u00a0to find out!<\/em><\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n \u00a0<\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n Suggested <\/strong>Imago <\/strong>Articles for You:<\/strong><\/p>\n \u00a0<\/u><\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n\n
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\nof our partner.\u00a0 So if Susie withdraws from her partner, her partner may play his or her movie of \u201cunless I do it your way, you will disconnect from me.\u201d<\/p>\n\n