[et_pb_section fb_built=”1″ _builder_version=”4.5.1″ _module_preset=”default”][et_pb_row _builder_version=”4.5.1″ _module_preset=”default” custom_padding=”0px||0px||true|false”][et_pb_column type=”4_4″ _builder_version=”4.5.1″ _module_preset=”default”][et_pb_text _builder_version=”4.5.1″ text_font=”||||||||” text_font_size=”16px” text_line_height=”1.9em” link_text_color=”#059886″ header_font=”||||||||” header_2_font=”Raleway|700|||||||” header_2_text_color=”#059886″ header_2_font_size=”30px” header_2_line_height=”1.4em” header_3_font_size=”25px” header_2_font_size_tablet=”40px” header_2_font_size_phone=”32px” header_2_font_size_last_edited=”on|phone”]<\/p>\n
\u201cTogether they had overcome the daily incomprehension, the instantaneous hatred, the reciprocal nastiness and fabulous flashes of glory in the conjugal conspiracy. It was time when they both loved each other best, without hurry or excess, when both were most conscious and grateful for their incredible victories over adversity. Life would still present them with other moral trials, of course, but that no longer mattered; they were on the other shore.\u201d<\/p>\n
Gabriel Garcia Marquez, Love in the Time of Cholera.<\/p>\n
How we wish this will be said of us after the Corona lockdown.<\/p>\n
We have just passed day 12 of \u201csocial distancing\u201d and staying at home in a small apartment with outside excursions allowed once a day for exercise and essential shopping.<\/p>\n
We have been married for 32 years and have had a fairly stereotypical, vanilla life with three children, a couple of dogs and a bird, living in supposed happiness under the African sky. And yes we started out with starry illusions that we would stay in love forever, would never ever consider divorce, raise perfectly behaved and successful children and travel the world before a comfortable retirement!<\/p>\n
Our commitment and stability replaced these romantic illusions of consistent happiness, and we toughed it out through the 20-year power struggle, close encounters with betrayal and the unexpected grief over our parenting blunders.<\/p>\n
We even got as far as semi-retirement and left Africa with great expectations of low key, stress-free jobs in the UK, interspersed with frequent excursions exploring every EasyJet destination we could afford! We even had a taste of this dream, this mission which would serve to redeem all the years of disconnection, conflict and animosity during the power struggle.<\/p>\n
Then Corona.<\/p>\n
We suddenly found ourselves together for long periods \u2013 longer than we had ever experienced in our entire relationship! Both being quite different, independent and having vast family and social circles, most of our marriage consisted of \u201cspaces in our togetherness\u201d (Kahil Gibran\u201c>Kahil Gibran). Retrospectively, perhaps this is how we managed our differences and avoided full-scale war! This forced togetherness was new territory. And we were in complete denial. We planned to make the most of this time together to enjoy some downtime, indulge in a plethora of good movies on Netflix, cycle together along the river, create a patio garden and catch up on the to-do list. Retired marital harmony at it\u2019s best, any illusions of hot steamy sex long abandoned! Well, maybe for one of us!<\/p>\n
On day 1 we spent almost all day watching Corona updates on our various devices, \u201cWhatsapp-ing\u201d our children, family, and friends. We achieved little to nothing but gave ourselves credit for \u201ctaking a well-deserved day off\u201d! We felt strong, we were together and could handle this confinement. In some ways, we welcomed the time to re-connect, to complete all the unfinished tasks, plan some trips and enjoy each other.<\/p>\n
[\/et_pb_text][\/et_pb_column][\/et_pb_row][et_pb_row _builder_version=”4.5.1″ _module_preset=”default”][et_pb_column type=”4_4″ _builder_version=”4.5.1″ _module_preset=”default”][et_pb_text _builder_version=”4.5.1″ text_font=”||||||||” text_font_size=”16px” text_line_height=”1.9em” link_text_color=”#059886″ header_font=”||||||||” header_2_font=”Raleway|700|||||||” header_2_text_color=”#059886″ header_2_font_size=”30px” header_2_line_height=”1.4em” header_3_font_size=”25px” header_2_font_size_tablet=”40px” header_2_font_size_phone=”32px” header_2_font_size_last_edited=”on|phone”]<\/p>\n
Day 2 was equally unproductive, mandatory corona-checking interspersed with inane discussions about conspiracy theories, the benefits of masks, how to pack the dishwasher, and consciously working hard at respect, consideration, tolerance and making the most of our time together.<\/p>\n
Day 3 we did not talk much \u2013 it felt like there was an unspoken mutual agreement to create some distance. We each got involved in our own activities, completing tasks, checking social media with earphones in so as not to disturb each other. I felt like I was biting my tongue a bit \u2013 an unwillingness to create conflict. I felt uncertain, not safe, disconnected almost.<\/p>\n
Day 4 we \u201cfound ourselves\u201d more connected, co-operating through household tasks and doing some yoga together! We did not discuss this or plan it, I put this connected, co-operation down to the warmer weather, and because we had both had a good night\u2019s sleep and were in a better mood than yesterday!<\/p>\n
Day 5 was different \u2013 we again \u201cfound ourselves\u201d kitchen sinking (<\/a>Esther Perel<\/a>) and bickering over small things like whose turn it was to make the bed, take out the rubbish or make lunch, with much sighing and rolling of eyes. The news that my husband had been furloughed and would receive a reduced salary, our investments had suffered some losses and some unexpected bills did not ease the building pressure and tension. We got stuck in a meaningless attack-defense dance that just seemed to pull us down regardless of any intentions to respond differently. It was not a good day and of course we blamed each other, and the weather \u2013 it had been wet and windy most of the day!<\/span><\/p>\n Day 6 started badly of course \u2013 neither of us had slept well \u2013 our anxiety levels had escalated somehow overnight and before long we again \u201cfound ourselves\u201d in a full-scale shouting match, accusations and threats flying between us \u2013 the four horsemen of the apocalypse (John Gottman<\/a>)\u201d>John Gottman) had been unleashed \u2013 criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stone-walling! How did we get here? It was as if overnight we had both gathered our own weapons of war, an arsenal of words and historical ammunition. I felt angry, trapped, alone, defeated and exhausted. We each retreated behind our walls and worked on our stories of hurt and blame. We could not speak, words just made it worse.<\/span><\/p>\n Day 7 we avoided each other, spoke little, kept a wide berth as if the 2m social distancing rule was applied to us even at home! We silently and diligently completed tasks as if competing for invisible parental approval! Again the weather was warmer and I certainly felt a little more hopeful, but not brave enough to reach out, and dialogue was not a safe option! It was during a walk alone, and a time of reflection that I became aware of a pattern \u2013 there was an ebb and flow of energy between us.\u00a0 At first it was weird, confusing, a little sad maybe and then it dawned on me \u2013 this was our relationship at work. I have been aware for many years that there are three in our marriage \u2013 me, my husband, and our relationship. Each part has its own identity and power to affect the others. Our relationship \u2013 the space between us \u2013 is intelligent, has a set of unspoken rules and conditions that govern our interaction and affect the quality of that interaction. Sub-consciously we have co-created this space and now live with and in it. Sometimes this space between is unhappy, disconnected, distant, anxious and even destructive, sometimes it can be peaceful, quiet, contented and relaxed, and at others it is playful, animated, excited, energised and erotic. I was only just realising the reality of this now that I had the time to notice and reflect without trying to change, judge or resist. Looking back I became aware of the unconscious, unspoken co-creation of our relationship dance, sometimes there was a need for deep connection, other times a need for light, playfulness, even a need for high energy sparring showed up! I realised I attached the wrong assumptions and meanings to this relationship dance \u2013 I blamed my husband, lack of sleep or the weather when there was distance or antagonism, I blamed myself when I was critical and judgemental and became contemptuous of my imperfections! However when I started focusing on the relationship as a force of its own with the power to control both of us and pull us toward or away from each other depending on what \u201cit\u201d needed to stay homeostatic. It is as if our relationship has a life of its own, trained and nurtured by our own history, our ingrained and inherited reactive systems, and the internal and external pressures affecting the system.<\/span><\/p>\n [\/et_pb_text][\/et_pb_column][\/et_pb_row][et_pb_row column_structure=”1_3,2_3″ _builder_version=”4.5.1″ _module_preset=”default” custom_padding=”0px||0px||true|false”][et_pb_column type=”1_3″ _builder_version=”4.5.1″ _module_preset=”default”][et_pb_image src=”https:\/\/imagoafrica.co.za\/for-professionals\/wp-content\/uploads\/2021\/05\/love-in-the-time-of-corona.jpg” title_text=”love-in-the-time-of-corona” _builder_version=”4.5.1″ _module_preset=”default”][\/et_pb_image][\/et_pb_column][et_pb_column type=”2_3″ _builder_version=”4.5.1″ _module_preset=”default”][et_pb_text _builder_version=”4.5.1″ text_font=”||||||||” text_font_size=”16px” text_line_height=”1.9em” link_text_color=”#059886″ header_font=”||||||||” header_2_font=”Raleway|700|||||||” header_2_text_color=”#059886″ header_2_font_size=”30px” header_2_line_height=”1.4em” header_3_font_size=”25px” header_2_font_size_tablet=”40px” header_2_font_size_phone=”32px” header_2_font_size_last_edited=”on|phone”]<\/p>\n I began to observe the ebb and flow of our relationship and instead of getting upset when the relationship nudged us towards the distance, I embraced it and flowed with it. Instead of resisting the experience of distance, which would be my won’t, along with stories and interpretations, I observed it, noticed it, and welcomed it. At other times when I caught my husbands eye, brushed against his skin, noticed his bids of kindness (John Gottman<\/a>)\u201d>John Gottman) I smiled understanding this was our relationship moving us towards connection \u2013 gently, almost imperceptibly.<\/span><\/p>\n <\/span><\/p>\n [\/et_pb_text][\/et_pb_column][\/et_pb_row][et_pb_row _builder_version=”4.5.1″ _module_preset=”default” custom_padding=”0px||0px||true|false”][et_pb_column type=”4_4″ _builder_version=”4.5.1″ _module_preset=”default”][et_pb_text _builder_version=”4.5.1″ text_font=”||||||||” text_font_size=”16px” text_line_height=”1.9em” link_text_color=”#059886″ header_font=”||||||||” header_2_font=”Raleway|700|||||||” header_2_text_color=”#059886″ header_2_font_size=”30px” header_2_line_height=”1.4em” header_3_font_size=”25px” header_2_font_size_tablet=”40px” header_2_font_size_phone=”32px” header_2_font_size_last_edited=”on|phone”]<\/p>\n